Superbowl XLVI Prediction

We’re less than five days away from the most watched American television broadcast of the year, Superbowl Sunday. Whether you like football or not, everybody celebrates Superbowl Sunday; some in different ways of course. I like to celebrate the epic battle between the last two teams standing, whereas The Warden celebrates the fact that the football season has come to an end. Her selfish ways disgust me! Either way, the Superbowl is the one event Americans look forward to watching. Sure, it’s exciting…but nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more exciting then experiencing the Superbowl with YOUR team in it!

I can’t help but radiate with excitement this week. In fact, I think I’m starting to weird out The Warden; then again I’d probably get spooked too if I heard her giggle like a school girl in her sleep. Anywho, I refuse to apologize for my child-like behavior this week. So anyways, let me get to the real reason I was inspired to write about this.

So I’m at work, drinking my coffee and putting in my 20 minutes of web browsing, when I come across an article on Yahoo that reads “Numerologist Calls Tom Brady’s Number”. Let me just put it on record that this was by far THE MOST idiotic article I’ve read. EVER!  I’m sorry Alan Springer of ThePostGame, but it would be an injustice for me NOT to put you on blast for writing such Malarkey! Let me show you what i mean….

According to Beverly Hills celebrity numerologist Tania Gabrielle, Tom brady’s Jersey number and his birthdate really matter on Super Bowl Sunday. And for Tom Terrific, they likely add up to victory.

Gabrielle — who is also an Astro-Numerologist and Composer — uses the meanings of names, dates and cycles to help decipher if the numbers will equal success. For the purpose of our story, she analyzed everything about Brady and New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning to determine which player will have the edge when they take the field in Indianapolis. And as if Brady doesn’t have enough things going for him, now it seems the number 12 could equal 4 — as in his fourth ring.

Start with the date of the game: 02/05/2012. If you add up those individual numbers, you get 12. How about Brady’s jersey number? 12. The number of seasons he’s played in the NFL? 12. And one of his favorite receivers, Deion Branch? The numbers on his jersey, 8 and 4, add up to 12. And for good measure, the combined Super Bowl appearances for the Patriots (7) and Giants (5) equals, well, you get the idea.

Enter Blank Stare….. AYFKM! (thats my new abbreviation for ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!) As soon as I figure out how to contact this so called “Numerologist”, I will counter w/ the following: Start with the date of the game: 2/5/2012. If you add up those individual numbers, you get 12 which is the number of times I had to read this shit article so that I could assure myself that I was not in a damn twilight zone. How about Brady’s jersey number? 12. The number of seconds my jaw spent opened because I realized that I had quite possibly read the STUPIDEST article ever. I can keep going but I prefer to read the 12 thousand comments left on this moronic article.

When can we expect your next prediction Miss Gabrielle? You know, the one based on the fact that the team with the cutest “outfits” will win the Superbowl. C’mon man! I see your prediction and raise you my own: GIANTS have a 50/50 chance of being SuperBowl Champs on Feb 5th. BOOM!

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Facebook Personalities *Updated

Today we will be discussing the wonderful world of Facebook. Social networking has come a long way since AOL Instant Messenger. Who doesn’t remember the  ”Do you have a pic?” days. There’s no doubt that Facebook has revolutionized the way we communicate. You wake up, you check Facebook. At work, you’re on Facebook. At the dinner table, you’re on Facebook. At the movies, checking Facebook. In the shitter? you guessed it….Facebook. As much as we hate to admit it, we live and breath Facebook. We have a nonstop urge to feel connected to folks we haven’t seen since our pimpled face years? It’s like crack cocaine man, we gotta have it! Oh, and God forbid there’s an outage or our phone app isn’t working because withdrawal is a motha…

Ok, so we’ve pretty much established that we’ve all been brainwashed to check our Facebook in 5 minute increments, so lets get down to the nitty gritty. Everyone has what I like to call a “Facebook Label”. You know, like the girl who goes on endless rants about an ex boyfriend, then makes a below the belt comment like “he could be bigger”. Yup, everybody’s got one on their friends list. You’re probably shaking your head thinking “I’m just a normal Facebook user”. WRONG! You too have a label my friend, but let me break it down for you…..

Disclaimer: The following material may or may not offend you. If your sensitivity levels are that of a 4 year old girl, please feel free to click on any one of my less offensive posts.

(new labels are marked with an *)

*The Check-in addict: If ever placed on witness protection, you’ll find yourself face down-ass up in a nearby ditch because your dumbass checks in EVERYWHERE!

*The Blue Baller: I call it the blue baller because they leave you hanging. This is the kind of person that’ll post something like “OMG!” or “OMG I can’t believe that just happened” in hopes that you’ll respond with something like: OMG what happened!?! LOL, somebody didn’t get much attention as a kid!

*The Self Portrait Picture Taker: This person has 26 photo albums; 25 of them contain pictures of themselves doing the lip pucker, eyebrow lifting, camera phone above the head shot.

*The Hash Tag abuser: More commonly seen on Twitter; However, some folks insist on using this trend on Facebook. I’ll tell you what’s NOT cool; seeing them on EVERY friggen post.  #ANNOYING.

*The Newlyweds: Hard to put into words, but THIS will best describe it. GET A ROOM YA HORNY BASTADS! (in New Yorker accent)

*Obsessive Workout Guy/Chick: This person checks into a gym a least 3 times a day; however, the results tend to be a bit delayed. “oh you mean my biceps? Nah man, those’ll come in later”

The Excessive Status Liker: You will hardly ever see a post from this person, but they will like the SHIT out of anything and everything you post; Inappropriate at times (the kind of person that will “Like” your post about your dog just dying).

The Angry Employee: Guilty! Venting is my therapy. If I don’t talk about the dumb shits I have to deal with everyday, I’d lose my sanity. Exposing their stupidity for everyone to see is what gets me through my day.

The TMIer: That stands for “Too much information” for you un-trendy folks. Dude, nobody wants to know the contents nor the color of your last bowel movement. really!

The Inside Jokester: C’mon folks. If you’re gonna post something that only you and another person are gonna get, wouldn’t it be better to just text the person? I’m nosey, I wanna laugh too!

The Shit Talker: This usually applies when talking sports. Ok, so I’m semi-guilty of this one too. I know I’m not the only Texas resident who cant stand the Dallas Cowboys. I’m very passionate when it comes to sports and I’m very likely to lose some friends in the process.

The Humiliator: This person usually goes on endless rants about an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, taking cheap shots along the way. Build a bridge people! Get over it or go buy yourself a toy.

The Debby Downer: Always knows exactly what to say…..to KILL the mood!

The LOLer: This person’s limited vocabulary includes the following: LOL, LMAO, LMFAO, ROFLMAO.

The Chain Letter Sender: Look, I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t  need the guilt trips or the  reminder that I am a bad Christian. If you want to post something on my wall, post a video of  some poor kid getting whacked in the face by a basketball. I’d rather laugh than feel shitty for not “loving” Jesus because I didn’t send to 85 people!

The Poll poster: This person can’t make any decisions for themselves so they will have their Facebook friends choose for them. What movie should I watch? What should I eat? Which blouse should I wear? ………..I hear flipping a coin works like a charm!

The Mirror Picture Taker: You have GREEEEEAAAT self esteem!

The Ghetto poster: Fk dis n Fk dat. I have to admit, this one is a wee bit irritating for me. Is it really that much harder to type “THIS” instead of “DIS”? C’mon, try it with me…THHHIIIISSS. There you go! Now you’re speaking proper English and you don’t sound like a FUCKTARD! Pardon my french.

The Closet Alcoholic: This person has a bit of a drinking problem, but they don’t know it. When you’re posting pics of Martinis on Sat, Tall boys on Sun, Cosmos on Tues, and Margaritas on Wed, maybe its time you take up a new hobby or hit up an AA meeting.

The WTF poster: Nobody….and I mean NO-BO-DY understands your gibberish. Either you totally snoozed out on grades 1-4 or you need to read the Facebook Help section. You can’t post the conversation you’re having w/ your imaginary friend because most of us will reply with a WTF!?!

The Novelist: Ok let me explain something to you. I don’t know about you but most of the people on my friends list grew up in the 80′s and 90′s. We didn’t get diagnosed with ADD or ADHD or whatever the hell kids nowadays have, but I’m pretty sure a lot of us had one or the other. If your post exceeds one paragraph, YOU’VE LOST ME! Now, what was I saying?

So there you go. Which one are you?

The Origins of Stupid

stu·pid

adjective

1.lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.

2.characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish;senseless: a stupid question.

3.  Slow to learn or understand; obtuse.

 

Stupidity; we’ve all been exposed to it. Some experience it in small portions, some come across it more often than usual, others (like myself) are forced to wear protective masks due to the high levels of exposure. You can never be too careful. I don’t care who you are; at some point in your life you’ve come across that ONE person who’s stupidity completely stumps you. The question that continues to haunt me is Where does it come from? Does it start from home? Is it genetic? Lack of education? I just cant seem to put my finger on it.

It seems like everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by something or someone stupid. I go to work, I deal with stupid people who have stupid questions. They say no question is a stupid question but I beg to differ! I check my Facebook, only to find something stupid someone said. I go online, I read a stupid article about how some idiot did something stupid. I go home, turn to the news and you guessed it…..STUPID.

So I leave this open for debate. In your opinion, where does stupid come from?

Censorshit (not a misspelling)

STOP CONGRESS FROM PASSING THIS BULLSHIT BILL!!!

The Senate will begin voting on January 24th. Please let them know how you feel. Sign this petition urging Congress to vote NO on PIPA and SOPA before it is too late. Click Here to sign petition Code name: Censorship my ass!

RESOLUTION 2012

Well, another year has come and gone. This will be my last post for 2011. I started this blog earlier this year with one goal; to make people laugh. Our lives are stressful as it is and I wanted to create a page where we could sit back a laugh at life’s silly sense of humor. Throughout the months I’ve talked about our Facebook Personalities, LOL Overkill, Embarrassing alcohol induced moments , and of course my Bucket List for the much anticipated “2012 end of the world” event. I hope everyone enjoyed the material and I hope my life experiences continue to bring me an abundance of useless, yet funny, crap to write about in 2012.

Today; however, I’m taking a different approach. 2011 is gone and we welcome a new year…but not before reflecting on our mishaps and laying down the blue print for the coming year.

I apologize in advance for the possible corniness that proceeds.

If you didn’t already know, The Warden and I welcomed the newest addition to our family on October 24th. Having a new baby at home has been great, even with the whole new set of responsibilities. The joy that this little guy brings me heavily outweighs the sleepless nights, dirty diapers or the sound of his bloody murder cry when he gets hungry. Let’s not forget the fact that we are now outnumbered 3-2. So I guess it goes without saying when I tell you that it’s been a while since we’ve had a night out w/ no kids. Thanks to my brave sister-in-law we were recently able to get away for a few hours while she babysat and watched my 4 and 5 year old ransack the house.

We watched a small budget film titled COURAGEOUS that ,in my opinion, has flown way under the radar. I won’t go too much into detail because this isn’t a film review, but I’ll give you the synopsis. The film follows the lives of four law enforcement officers who, after a tragedy, are left to wrestle with their faith, fears, and fatherhood. Aside from some corny acting at times, the movie was great and sent a really nice message. A must see for all fathers, father figures or single parents playing both roles.

The two hour emotional roller-coaster really hit home. In fact, it was more of an “oh shit, punch in the gut” feeling. The movie really touches on the subject of fatherhood and what it takes to be a good one in your child’s life. All I could think about was how shitty (IMO) of a dad I’ve been at times. There’s been times when I’ve blown my kids off because of an “important” game on tv, refused to play with them because I’m “too tired”, or have gotten after them for just being kids. I realize now that the time we have raising our kids is not very long. We need to take advantage of the few years we have with them and make that positive influence that will help mold our children into outstanding and respectable adults.

Love your kids, hug your kids, tell them you love them and play with them every chance you get. For those of you who don’t have children, if and when you do, never take them for granted.
So unlike my previously failed resolutions (ex. Lose weight, drink less, live healthier lifestyle etc.) I am making the commitment to my 3 boys and my wife to be a better father and a better husband, not only for 2012 but from here on out.

Wishing you a happy and prosperous 2012. Godspeed!

“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” ~Clarence Budington Kelland

The People vs. Starburst Candy

TGIF. The last day of the week. You’ve worked your ass off for 2 1/2 days. Nope, not a typo. I said 2 1/2. Monday is the first day back from the weekend so we act busy, but in reality we get diddly squat done. Tuesday we pretend to work but really just shoot the shit by “going through unread emails”. Wed and Thurs we put our game face on. So Friday comes along and all you can think of is that well deserved drink come 5:01. Nothing can screw up your day. NOTHING!

Well, shit happens from time to time and on this particular Friday, Starburst candy played the role of SHIT.

STARBURST…it’s a juicy contradiction ….Says their motto. How bout a juicy load of crap!!! How so? You might ask. Well, let me explain…

When I buy a stick of Starburst, and I say stick of starburst because what the hell else do you call it, I expect to taste the juicy deliciousness that is Red and Pink. Yea, i know it’s cherry and strawberry but I prefer Red and Pink. So how does my perfect Friday go from rainbows an unicorns to seeing red, you might ask? Let me show you…

15 total candies
2- Red ( my fav )
2- Pink
4- Orange
And 7 yellow….SEVEN!!!! WTF!?!?

Everyone knows Orange and Yellow are basically throw awayable! Yea, it’s a word, check the urban dictionary! If I could gather all the shitty Orange and Yellow Starburst that I’ve thrown away throughout my years, I could mold a life-size middle finger and send it to the Starburst Corporate office along with a very unfriendly note…. sealed by a stupid yellow Starburst I spit out.

Oh and don’t even get me started on Starburst Tropical Flavors. Are you Friggen kidding me? If I wanted the taste of piña colada or mango melon I’d go to friggen Applebees and order a daiquiri. Let’s keep it simple folks. Red, Pink, Red, Pink, Red, Pink etc. Now follow that pattern and REPEAT!

So I leave you with this. The only way to stop this madness is by filing a class action suit. It has to happen. I apologize for the two people in this world who actually eat Yellow and Orange. Below you will find the opening argument to my proposed suit.

 

Unknown To the plaintiff, and undisclosed to the public,

prior to purchase, your candy does not properly warn the consumer

of its horrendous red/pink to orange/yellow ratio….

 

Or is it just me?

Internet Scam FAIL

Disclaimer: The following post contains adult language and is meant for a mature audience only. If you are sensitive or get easily offended, I suggest you click on this link instead Rainbows & Unicorns

Remember back in the day when  internet scams, fraud and spam spread faster than a gonorrhea rash on your inner leg? Seems like so long ago. Remember when the creepy, yet oddly amusing, YOU’VE GOT MAIL voice would pop up and you’d rush to your mail only to see a ridiculous email that read: Slutty Amateurs get it on with Paco the Parrot.  Ok, so I kind of miss the spam-mail. Come to think of it, it might have been a guilty pleasure of mine; who knows! Well, technology has come a long way. Now we have bulk mail and other software that helps protect our identity, not to mention our 281 credit score. Ha! Jokes on you identity thief.

The one thing that did make my eye twitch were those stupid ass emails from some random foreign guy (lets call him TOM SMITH) who claims he needs to make a large money transfer and is asking you to play the “middle man” in exchange for 340,933,409,832,409 dollars. All I had to do is provide him with my name, phone #, address, email (which is funny b/c how the hell else did he send me this fantastic offer), bank account, names of my kids, and direction in which my AHEM….hangs. Sure! Where has this guy been my whole life? Sounds fairly simple for the amount of money he’s offering.

I hadn’t gotten one of these fantastic offers in a while….until today! Apparently I can’t even post something on craigslist without some jackass emailing me with a phishing attempt. The following is the email I recieved from Mr. Col Jaff today:

Mr. Jaff: I am interested in your item, just want to know if it’s still available for sale ?

My reply: Yup, still have the phone if you’re interested.

Mr. Jaff:

Thanks for the prompt response to my mail. I will be buying from
you so please kindly withdraw the ad from C.LIST. Please be
informed that i will be paying with a certified check from my Bank it
will be delivered to you via United Parcel Service (UPS), so I’ll need
you to provide me with the following information to facilitate the
mailing of the check…  Name to be on the payment………..
  Home address………..
  City…………..
  State………..
  Zip Code…………..
  Cell phone #…………….
  Email……………

I will make arrangements for the pick up as soon as you have your
money I am completely satisfied with the ad and the payment will
be delivered within 24hours.** I use a hearing impaired phone
# and will receive your calls via email **..I’m sorry for the late
respond to your email …N.B UPS does not deliver to a P.O box
addresses.Thanks

My reply: 

Sure!
My name is: go fuck yourself
I live at: 1234 fuck u Ave

State: FU

Zip: 12345

Phone #: 555-555-5555 (just like in the movies. I know, cool huh?)

Email: how did you respond to my ad you dumbshit?!
Would u like my SSN too? 123-45-6789

Stupid fuck! Nice try!

Lets just say I have zero tolerance for these idiotic fraud attempts.
P.S. I apologize for cursing like a sailor.

BATMANNING

From the folks who brought you planking.
This is……..BATMANNING

Procrastination NO MORE

I’m motivated; not particularly by anyone or anything, just one of those self-realization moments that seem to come once every few months. This time is different though (promise!). Ten years ago I would have laughed if you told me that by age 29 I’d be flirting with 230 lbs. I’ve been a fit kid pretty much all of my life. I’ve never really had to put in much effort. Then again, I no longer have two-a-day football practices in 100 degree weather. That was probably a big contributor to my “maintaining my figure”. To be honest, I’ve never really given a rat’s ass about my weight. I’ve always been heavier than I appear.

Truth is, I don’t really care what I look like because my real motivation is just to start living a healthier lifestyle. Ok, I’m calling BS on myself right there! I’m full of it. Of course I care about how I look! Sure, It’d be nice to go through a flight of stairs without wheezing like an out of shape bulldog (like there’s a bulldog out there actually in shape), but I’d sure as hell would get a kick out of watching The Warden’s jaw drop when she sees my bod transformation.

So where did it all go wrong? When did I go from the 185 lb lean looking baddass (self-proclaimed) , to the 227 lb man with a double chin that could pass for a third cheek? Well, I could blame it on marriage, kids, that wretched 8-5 job, the lack of energy, fast food, procrastination or the fact that there are only 24 hrs in a day (because had there been 26 hours in a day, I’d be ripped). I’ve run out of excuses. It’s that time of the year again, only this time I have to follow through. I haven’t been too successful in the past (obviously) and to give you a better idea of what I’m talking about, I’ve compiled an overview of how my “get in shape” attempts have failed in the past.

Day 1: Egg whites, oatmeal, protein shake for breakfast. Turkey sandwich for lunch and chicken breast and rice for dinner. Good workout in the evening.

Day 3: Whole grain cereal and protein shake for breakfast. Turkey sandwich for lunch and another chicken breast accompanied by some veggies. I’m now walking like I’ve been riding a horse , but I suck it up and get a good workout in.

Day 5: I’m starving! If I have one more piece of chicken I may go postal. I take a day off from the gym because my muscles need “rest”.

Day 6: Uh oh! It’s the weekend. The eye is twitching. I’m pretty sure I’m capable of punching a kid in the stomach and stealing his Happy Meal. After only a week of diet and exercise I feel the need to give myself a well deserved cheat day. I have Burger King for Lunch.

Day 7: I made the mistake of cooking out with the guys and was peered pressured into drinking 13 beers. (it’s ok though, they were Bud light!)

Day 8: The Warden gets home tired from work and orders a pizza. OPERATION GET IN SHAPE is a FAIL. All has gone to shit so I have 3 slices, some crazy bread and I shotgun a Dr. Pepper.

So that pretty much sums it up. I have maybe 3-4 of these moments per year. Today I decided to finally give that P90X a try. I didn’t blow chunks and I didn’t black out, so that’s a win in my book! Now excuse me while I go throw up my dinner. Kidding!

Caption this pic!

Welcome to Adrian’s first ever “Caption this Pic” contest. Sometimes I find myself randomly surfing the web and stumbling across some of the funniest pics taken by the paparazzi.  My plan is to post a pic every couple months and let my readers come up with creative captions for the pic. This month’s winner: Shaq and his new girlfriend. I don’t know why, but I found this pic HILARIOUS!

So what’s in it for you? Well, at the end of the month I will pick my favorite caption and will award the winner with…..wait for it…….Drum roll………………….. a $10 gift card of your choice! You’re probably thinking “that’s it!?” Well, yea. I’m not rich you greedy bastads! (yes, I meant to leave the R out) So yea, I’ll let the winner pick the gift-card. Whatever floats your boat : itunes, starbucks, walmart, gas card, or a little extra dough to go towards your monthly Viagra prescription. Winner chooses. So there you go guys! Keep it classy.

NOTE: Entries accepted until August 30th.